My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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