3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
