her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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