I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
