Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
