Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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