he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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