if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
