I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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