I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
