He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
