so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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