I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
