yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
