I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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