yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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