if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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