her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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