I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
