but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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