Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
