Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I need to align my fucking chakras
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
