i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?