It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now