am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.