and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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