in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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