i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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