is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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