Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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