apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
