Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
