the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
