Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
