According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
