There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
