barbara walters just said penis...
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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