I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
