I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
