i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
