Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
