My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
