I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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