It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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