we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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