No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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