On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
