Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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