I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
