I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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