My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I smell stomach acid.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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