my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
