I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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