we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
