1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
