i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
