Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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