pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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