my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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