I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
