I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
