Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
